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During norming we agree on rules,[url=http://www.sdmts.com/hollister.asp]hollister[/url], values, behaviour, shared ways of being, doing tasks and even taboos. Having the inner confidence and courage to claim our lives as our own is particularly important during this phase. Here we may lose our sense of self if the norming behaviors become so strong we exhibit the same preferences, opinions, style, interests,[url=http://www.shaaciye.com/mercurialvaopor.asp]chaussure de foot[/url], needs and wants. Called groupthink in teams, I coin this ‘couplethink’ in intimate relationships or ‘over-norming’ in all close relationships as the diversity of being human isn’t being honoured.
The Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing model of group development was first proposed by Bruce Tuckman in 1965, who maintained that these phases are all necessary and inevitable in order for the team to grow,[url=http://www.labsag.co.uk/hollisteruk.html]hollister uk[/url], to face up to challenges,[url=http://www.tuning-italia.it/woolrichoutlet.asp]woolrich outlet[/url], to tackle problems, to find solutions, to plan work, and to deliver results. This model has become the basis for subsequent models of group development and team dynamics and a management theory frequently used to describe the behavior of existing teams.
-- Wikipedia
This model is applicable to all of our relationships – both at work and at home. In a new relationship, we get to know one another as we begin the forming phase. At our own pace, we move into storming as we work through how to function within our relationship. During this phase, it is natural for all of us (particularly with our significant others which is the most intense of relationships) to face challenges,[url=http://www.bessis.com/FR-jordan.html]air jordan pas cher[/url], act out and experience a range of triggered feelings. Learning how to make choices that honour our uniqueness and build our relationship takes time and attention.
What I know is that when I live from the place of trusting and honouring myself in relationship,[url=http://www.huilemielolives.fr/doudounemoncler.asp]doudoune moncler pas cher[/url], I come from spacious open-heartedness. I listen to my soul - the truth of who I truly am,[url=http://www.asauk.co.uk/barbourjackets.html]barbour sale[/url], that which is connected to Spirit shining through me uniquely as me. And I am more available to hold this space for my partner.
This month, I invite you to incline your mind to the wholeness of being ‘in integrity’ and simply notice the impact on you and your closest relationships.
It is then we are able to perform in relationship as individuals. We are able to truly share our own selves with each other because we have separate identities that are accepted and respected. We act according to this question: what does Life want from me in this relationship in this moment? We know what to do step-by-step as we listen to our inner voice.
By Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D., CPCC
See all Articles by Jeannie CampanelliSee Jeannie Campanelli's Expert PageGet Updates on Personal DevelopmentGet Updates on Jeannie Campanelli Average: 0 Your rating: None Tweet
For instance, to feel safe,[url=http://www.bessis.com/hollisterfr.html]hollister[/url], how much is the pleaser in the driver’s seat? Is over-norming about an avoidance of conflict? Or is there a lack of awareness of my own wants and needs? Is it possible that I might have a low sense of worth or unclear boundaries that support a separate identity? Is there a rule that says to be close we ‘should’ think alike?
Once you name what may be stopping you from showing up as you in your closest relationships, other questions may arise. How do I stay in touch with my own self in order to make choices that may be separate from those with whom I’m closest? How do I listen to and express my own inner voice? In other words, how do I collaborate without compromising who I am?
Ask yourself: how familiar is this pattern in my closest relationships,[url=http://www.bessis.com/monclerpascher.html]doudoune moncler[/url]? What are my beliefs that might support over-norming?
Author's Bio:
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist,[url=http://www.huilemielolives.fr/doudounemoncler.asp]doudoune moncler[/url], a wonderful, living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each other to see the other whole against the sky.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
Deeply listening to our inner selves requires us to focus on the present moment. It is also helpful to know ourselves, especially our values. In coaching,[url=http://www.bessis.com/hollisterfr.html]hollister france[/url], values are defined as what we uniquely identify as important to our own sense of aliveness and well-being. For instance,[url=http://www.bessis.com/monclerpascher.html]doudoune moncler pas cher[/url], my primary value is personal growth and spirituality; my life partner’s top value is creativity. We both value exploring and trying new experiences. Knowing this about each other opens the door to holding differences.
For all of us, our own commitment to being in integrity encourages us to relate to all those who are close to us from a soulful place. Rather than trying to control or manipulate them to be and think like us, we respect and support our close circle of relationships to live their lives ‘in integrity’ as well.
What I have seen in my clients and within myself is that it’s important to keep checking in with all that makes up who we are to ensure we are living ‘in integrity’. Deep listening will inform us about what feels right…and what doesn’t. Being in integrity means everything lines up – our intuition, words, actions and feelings – so that there isn’t any edgy feeling of doubt within us. We know at a body level our current choice feels right to us in this moment.
As a famous poet puts it:
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Many families enjoy alcoholic beverages as part of their gatherings during the holidays,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but if you’re a recovering addict this can pose an enormous risk of relapse. Alcoholism is an associative disorder that that can make these types of events exceptionally awkward and difficult for people in recovery. This is because any environment, person, memory, conversation or anything else that an alcoholic might associate with their previous active alcoholism can cause severe associative cravings to drink. But while this might be a legitimate threat,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], holidays and quality time with loved ones is extremely important for the long-term health of any person in recovery. Therefore,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], understanding how to cope with these situations is essential in order to maintain sobriety while still being able to enjoy the company of family- even during times when others are consuming alcohol.
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The real trouble for most recovering alcoholics is that regardless of what the situation is there is often alcohol at family gatherings. This is not only true of the holidays,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but also at social engagements such as weddings, funerals, birthday parties and so on. People tend to drink to celebrate,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], to mourn, simply to be social, to enjoy sporting events or for many other reasons. In most cases,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], few of these people think about the impact that the presence of alcohol might have on a person who is in recovery from alcoholism.
Create an Escape Plan: If things get to be too intense and there are too many impulses to drink, then it’s time to make an exit. You can excuse yourself from an event very easily simply by saying that you are not feeling well. Having a backup plan for what to do afterward is also vital to ensure that once you abort the holiday visit that you don’t find a drink somewhere nearby.
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Stand up for Yourself: It’s okay to say no and it is also okay to let people know that you are in recovery. In fact, most people at family gatherings are probably aware that you’ve had a problem in the past and so should therefore be conscientious and not place you in an uncomfortable position. If they do you must refuse in the most tactful way possible.
Alcoholics are in an especially delicate position during what for many people are already stressful holidays. Not everyone has good relationships with their families and this can result in a lot of anxiety and stress for the recovering alcoholic. Additionally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], traveling- especially with children- can be extremely exhausting and money spent on gas, airfare, taxis and other travel related expenses can all add up to a lot of worry. This means that often a person is already in a high state of stress before they even arrive at the holiday location. Add family drama or old feuds to this equation and it’s easy to see why relapsing during the holidays is a serious threat.
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